My dearest Ghosts of Christmas Present:

Happy Holidays! Hanukkah has started and Christmas is still two weeks away THANK GOD because I am not prepared. I have a big family and lots of travel and LOTS OF BULLSHIT to attend to INCLUDING a sixteen page spreadsheet to track it all because AMERICA. To anyone who has shaken off the yoke of ALL GIFTS ALL THE TIME I applaud you but you have not met my family. These people would sell their souls to the Devil for the exact perfect physical manifestation of a 30 year old inside joke that is in no way returnable. There is no price too great, no number of family members too large, you are going to get an M&Ms candy cane and tiny bottles of Fireball in your stocking. This is the reason for the season and TBH you’re gonna need that whiskey.

This year I decided I needed a little treat for being such a diligent planner/consumer/parent so I hired my friend Taylor to create a Christmas aesthetic for me. Don’t worry, it’s not sad beige Christmas, or Dystopian Wasteland Christmas, it’s Haunted Victorian Orphan Asylum Christmas. Like what if I could enter the Dickens dimension and bring back some candelabra, cypress garlands, candle crowns, dangerous clip on ice skates, tuberculosis, handkerchiefs to hold the corpse jaw closed, and doorknockers that come to life and put them all in my house?? To scare my neighbors and annoy my husband and fight with my teenagers over whether multi-colored tree lights are sufficiently GOTHIC? It turns out that white lights are not the hill I want to die on, Merry Christmas to all.

A moody bough of evergreen studded with deep red flowers and poinsettias

I was going to make a joke about the little match girl and less child labor in 2023 but these Home Goods poinsettias were probably cooked up in a sweatshop overseas. I did grab some real greenery at Home Depot but that shit died pretty quick, even though it was probably treated with enough Roundup to destroy the endocrine systems of every single reindeer on Santa’s team. Sorry Greenpeace!! I tried!!

In closing, who doesn’t want in on this chaos??? Please enjoy this haunted little Christmas playlist that I created so that you too can have a rickets-ridden, rag-picking, triple-ghost kind of holiday. I wish you all a wonderful season and I will see you in the New Year.


Evergreen centerpieces tied with dark red ribbon with poinsettias
Evergreen boughs and pointsettias wrapped around the top of a stairway railing, interwoven with string lights