My dearest demon dogs:

Before I launch into today’s completely wild topic, I have a favor to ask!

You guys are the most amazing audience. My open and read rates are through the roof – I know you care about this content and that’s the ideal for me: getting this to people who actually want to read it. Vampires, sleep paralysis demons, and plagues are not for everyone. These newsletters have what I would politely call A LIMITED REACH. Liiiike, lifestyle brands are not recruiting your girl. No one wants a sponsored post that shows up next to an antique drawing of syphilis-induced saddle nose.

I’m finally at a place where I’m confident enough to expand this lil niche audience and find more weirdos just like you to send gruesome BUT FUNNY emails twice a month. If you would be so kind, would you consider sending this on to someone who might enjoy it? Or sharing a link on Instagram? As this project expands, the newsletter has become one of my favorite places to write. I can keep it weird and topical and a little less formal. I really love writing these, and I want to share them with a wider audience.

Now that you’ve heard the pitch – here’s a link to the signup, or you could just forward this newsletter on to anyone you think might like it! Thank you from the bottom of my cold black GenX heart.

Now – in case you haven’t noticed, FALL IS HERE. As soon as we crossed that September starting line and Stabucks pulled the ripcord on PSL, I was READY. For today’s newsletter, I have a slow roll plan to get you limbered up for October. We’re gonna keep it light so your retinas don’t burn out on gore and strobe lights by the time actual Halloween gets here.

First of all, you’re gonna want to re-read this piece of INTERNET CANON, McSweeney’s It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers. It’s a classic for a reason. You may also want a refresh on terrible Halloween urban legends that pop up every single goddamned year like cockroaches that can’t be killed, so you can be ready to fight the legion of Facebook uncle shit that they spawn. Another good option is the Jezebel Top Ten Scary Stories Contest. They do one every year, so definitely check the archive, too. For my money, nothing is scarier than people’s true experiences.

You’ll need some calories to power you through this reading so may I unironically suggest a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte OR Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew. I love this shit, and you know what? You can make it at home! In case, you know, you live in a town that limits the amount of chain stores per neighborhood so all you have is good but pretentious hipster coffee near your house, and if you go in there and ask them for a pumpkin based coffee item they will execute you on the spot. Check the recipes here and here. Go forth and enjoy your basic Autumn.

Days are getting shorter, which means more time in front of your favorite device in the evening. This is a good time to ramp up the ghost and witch themed content. Here’s a list of CHILL horror to onboard you for the season. Mild, atmospheric content to get you feeling cozy and just a little scared for Fall. Last year I wrote about ways to take in horror that are less intense, that will get you the stories and the fun without an overload of gore or violence if you’re sensitive about that stuff.