My dearest vintage goalie masks:

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!!! I was sitting around trying to come up with a newsletter concept and then I put the date in and A TOPIC WAS BORN. I was originally thinking of writing about Pope Benedict’s Funeral. The Vatican’s insane pageantry and photos of his embalmed corpse making the rounds were like, almost too much to pass up. But the more I researched, the more angry I got at thinking about all of the abuse he covered up, how corrupt that institution is, and how annoying it is to sanctify and revere a man who was clearly fallible and responsible for a lot of misery…and I just had to put it away. Google the photos if you want to emotionally scar yourself because they are something. 

Anyway – we all know that Friday the 13th is considered a bad luck day in American culture. The fear of the day seems to stem from fear of the number 13, probably the unluckiest number for us. There are two main theories on the origins of this fear: both involve meals and gods. Surprise!

One theory locates the origin in Norse folklore, with a banquet in Valhalla. The god Loki showed up uninvited and shot another god. Loki, if you didn’t already know, is a notorious pain in the ass in the Norse pantheon. I would not kick Tom Hiddleston out of bed for eating crackers but Loki drives everyone fucking crazy. He’s a trickster and shape shifter, an OG bisexual agent of chaos. His only real powers were his wit and wile, and he KIND OF SEEMS like the Mystery the Pick Up Artist of Asgard. Sorry! It’s true! He’s obviously the type of guest who would be mad that he wasn’t invited to dinner, show up, and shoot someone. Then turn into a fucking pelican or some shit and fly away to ruin a rich woman’s life. ANYWAY, Loki was the THIRTEENTH guest when he pulled that stunt and thus the number is cursed.

Another theory derives from the Bible story of the treacherous Judas Iscariot, who is the 13th guest at the Last Supper. Judas, also a total pain in the ass!! Betrayed Jesus with a kiss! Was he even invited to this supper or did he passive aggressively show up at the last minute like, “oh don’t be silly I can just squeeze in at the end here, I’m Keto now,” gaslighting the apostles like he wasn’t the one who sent their Lord and Savior to the chair!!! Meanwhile Jesus is all “One of you will betray me” and Judas is like, busy dividing up the check based on who ate the appetizers and who ordered wine. Judas was NUMBER 13 and that is why 13 was to be avoided, just like his tricky ass.

Now – why is the thirteenth day only unlucky when it falls on a FRIDAY? Our calendar is based on Norse convention – the days are named for their Gods. (Did you know that or are you not a practicing witch lol). Sunday and Monday are named for the Sun and the Moon, Tuesday is Tyr’s Day, Wednesday is Woden’s Day, Thursday is Thor’s Day, and Friday is Freya’s Day. Saturday is some shit I’m not even going to try to explain or pronounce but you can read about it. I’m not sure why Freya’s Day would be bad luck, she’s the Goddess of Beauty and a powerful witch, but then again maybe that’s our answer. She’s the only female in the bunch.

Some theories look to the Bible, since Jesus was executed on a Friday (THANKS TO YOU, JUDAS). I feel like this is kind of weak, but then again so is the thirteenth guest at two dinners. Maybe this rumor was started by industrial factory barons when people finally got weekends off. LIKE, LET’S RUIN IT FOR THEM! TGI Fuck you, peasants!

The incredibly tenuous roots of this superstition should be enough to convince you that Friday the 13th is not actually a day of bad luck. I mean, don’t walk under ladders because that could actually be dangerous – I have seen all kinds of stupid shit happening on ladders. People get unreasonably brave and you do not want a paint can or a whole person dropped on your head when that asshole goes to adjust his airpods at 12 feet in the air. Breaking mirrors is bad because that shit gets everywhere!!!! The seven years of bad luck you’re gonna get is from all the tiny fucking shards that will hide under tables and in rugs and end up in your feet for the next decade!! There is no vacuum powerful enough to defeat glass shards so BE CAREFUL.

As for black cats – they are perfect and adorable and in fact THE IDEAL CAT. The only bad luck black cats bring is an occasional dead mouse gift, a shit in your bed (my black cat did this but I probably deserved it), or a $10,000 vet bill (RIP). Black cats deserve all the pets and treats.

I suggest you use this day to get a tattoo discount or stream the Friday the 13th series. Jaime Lee Curtis is a star for a reason, friends.


A photo of bats in flight